


Handbook to a Happy Espada

by Ketakoshka



Series: Original Work Crossovers [3]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-02-15 12:12:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2228586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ketakoshka/pseuds/Ketakoshka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rules consering the espada in order to keep them from wanting to kill you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Handbook to a Happy Espada

**Author's Note:**

> The eighth: Anita Jeagerjaques, ninth: Ayume Kurage, and cero espada: Ketakoshka Castlionia are my OCs.

The Handbook to a Happy Espada

Concerning:

Ketakoshka Castlionia (Ulquiorra's older sister and Muramasa's twin, 0; Dragon)

1.) Please do not put hot sauce in her food.

2.) Or peppers. As funny as squeaky voiced Keta is, it's not worth the pain. Or the embarrassment of being beat up by a girl, trust us...

3.) Leave Ulquiorra and Muramasa alone. Or you'll wind up buried beside Nnoitora.

4.) Chocolate sauce is not supposed to be used to get Keta to follow you everywhere.

5.) Stop desecrating her and Ulquiorra's shrine. They need to be able to pray! Even if they sometimes pray for Satan to set Nnoitora on fire.

Coyote Stark (1)

1.) Do not wake him for any amount of time. Especially you, Lilinette.

2.) Slipping him alcohol is not allowed.

3.) Yes, tequila is alcohol.

4.) No use of aphrodisiacs are allowed. Not even from you, Hallibel.

5.) Giving him sedatives is prohibited. He does not need to sleep more.

6.) Use of drugs intended to keep him alert will not work. We have tried.

7.) Engaging Stark in a battle will do you no good. If he actually fights you, you will most likely die. So do not do it.

8.) Giving him presents will not put you in his good graces. Letting him sleep will however.

9.) No he is not the hollow version of a sloth. Stop asking if he knows Sid

10.) Please do not pretend you are Hallibel in order to sneak a peak of him naked.

11.) His collection of pillows must not meet a fiery death. Or you will meet a fiery death.

12.) He is allergic to cheese. Do not feed it to him.

13.) Or rub it on him. Freaks.

14.) Do not threaten Hallibel or Lilinette.

15.) Do not let him drink Ulquiorra or Keta's tea. He will die again.

16.) Drawing on his face is prohibited. We know it was you, Nnoitora.

Tia Hallibel (2)

1.) Do not tease her with fish. She will bite your fingers off.

2.) Do not ask her if she ever went into a feeding frenzy on Stark.

3.) Do not ask her if she smells like fish.

4.) Stay out of her lingerie drawer!

5.) Do not ask her if she secretly prefers women. Stark will beat you.

6.) Stop asking to sneak a peak of her boobs.

Nelliei Tu Odeshocke (3)

1.) See rule 4 of Tia Hallibel.

2.) Please do not attempt to kill her again. (Szayzel, Nnoitora)

3.) Do not ask her if she's related to Firenze... It pisses her off.

4.) Not to be invited to goat farms...

5.) No she doesn't randomly faint. That's Stark... Why do you all think that?!

6.) No, she does not want to go play with her Itsygo.

Ulquiorra Schiffer (4)

1.) Using his sister as a hostage for his love is prohibited. He will kill you... so will Grimmjow and Szayzel and...

2.) Do not eat his marshmallows... you don't want to know what happens. Trust us.

3.) Blindfolding him and sticking him in Szayzel's lab just to see if he makes it out alive is prohibited.

4.) Shining a flashlight on him to see if he bursts into flames is prohibited.

5.) Leaving suspicious red liquids around to see if he drinks them is prohibited.

6.) Stop putting bugs in his food. He doesn't eat them.

Nnoitora Gilga (5)

1.) Please do not ask if his hatred of women is a manifestation of his sexual orientation.

2.) Stop asking him if he prefers a glass coffin or a wood one, Keta!

3.) Yes, we know he's the perfect scapegoat...

4.) The fraise, 'Here lies Nnoitora' is no longer funny. Cause we know it'll wind up on his gravestone.

Grimmjow Jeagerjaques (6)

1.) Anita! Stop painting your brother's face!

2.) Oh. Sorry about that... We'll yell at Ulquiorra and Keta later.

3.) Cat Nip is not to be used... Trust us, it doesn't work the way it's supposed to.

4.) Putting masks on random cats doesn't make them Grimmjow.

5.) Making said cats shed on your stuff so you can yell at him is prohibited.

6.) Stop bringing in mice!

7.) Cat toys are to be left where they are found.

8.) Do not ask why all of his fraccion are male.

Szayzel Aporro Grantz (7)

1.) Why do you think he'd be a good candidate for Miss America?

2.) Please stay out of his lab, there are volatile things in there like his sanity.

3.) Talking about using Hannibel (Boyfriend) as your personal sex slave will get you dissected or worse become Gin's bitch. (Gin approves!)

4.) Don't insult his resurrection form! Hannibel thinks it's pretty. (Gin disapproves!)

5.) Stop asking if he likes having sex with flowers.

6.) Please stop bringing in your collections of pressed butterflies and calling them his family.

Anita Jeagerjaques (Grimmjow's twin, 8; Wolf)

1.) Stop blaming her for the stuff that happens to Grimmjow. We know it's you, Ulquiorra.

2.) Dying her hair blue is prohibited.

3.) Stop running around screaming that she's pregnant. You'll give Grimmjow a heart attack.

4.) Rule 3 is revoked if you yell that Nnoitora's the father.

Ayume Kurage (Luppi's cousin, 9; Jellyfish)

1.) Her resurrection form isn't a sex toy for Yammy. Why are you guys so weird?

2.) Stop asking if Luppi is her and Yammy's son...

Yammy Llargo (10)

1.) Please stop playing 'What the Hell is that Arrancar Anyway?!'. It was funny when it was Aaroniero. Not so much anymore.

2.) Stop asking him if he's gay for Ulquiorra. Ayume will kill you.

3.) Do not threaten to eat his dog!

In final note: Please stop singing 'Aizen Wants to Rule the World.' It's a dead giveaway.


End file.
